Relationship Advice for Men from Women
Let’s face it guys, you have it tough with us. We ladies don’t always say what we mean, and we don’t always mean what we say. We’re turned off my too much attention, and feel badly when there’s not enough of it. We want you to be dangerous, but safe; confident, but self-deprecating; sensitive, but not reactive. And we’re not always sure what the difference between one and the other is. What’s true though is we tend to reward men who make the effort. We reward men who listen without judging. And we reward men who treat us like partners, and not like ornaments.
One Woman’s Advice for Men
Relationships Have Stages
I give this relationship advice to other women too, but it’s especially important for men to understand why relationships fail. When you’re first getting to know one another, everything is awkward and nerves. After the first date, you decide to have another. After a few more dates, you’ve slept with one another for the first time. And if all that goes well, the nervousness is transformed into exhilaration. Think of how you feel getting onto a roller coaster. Nervousness almost always gives way to either disappointment or exhilaration. It’s because that tension that was present in the beginning is freed into something pleasurable and exciting. Thus begins the infatuation stage.
While this lasts for a decent amount of time, after a few months the energy that began at the beginning and is largely a result of that tension and release cycle will have given way into a settling period which most relationships will not survive.
What most men don’t understand about women, is that it’s more about the buildup than it is about the release. Men will go out of their way during the infatuation period to lavish their ladies with affection and love. But when things start to fall into a routine and they figure they’ve done their job and gotten her to fully accept him as a partner, they get a little distant and cool off. The woman feels like the man is pulling away from her, and the man is annoyed by the implication that he no longer cares about her. It’s only when relationships are built on mutual respect and friendship that the survive this period, and that is how it should be.
When a woman indicates that she thinks you’re pulling away, it’s because the new pattern doesn’t really sit well with her. If it doesn’t change, then the relationship is doomed. The woman tries to tell this to the man, and often he gets the impression that he’s doing something wrong. He becomes defensive, she gets hurt, and then he tries to pull her closer once again, by lavishing her with the same attention and affection he did at the beginning of the relationship. But all this has done is forestall the inevitable. This pattern then becomes the new pattern. A push and pull in a relationship that didn’t survive the infatuation stage, but is still on life support attempting to rekindle an old flame. Each time through the spinner though the flame becomes weaker and weaker until it dwindles entirely. The spark is dead.
Understand that relationships that survive the infatuation stage, do so because they’re built on friendship, respect, and trust, and that is where the flame must be tended.